apparently pandas and penguins rule the interwebs

 dear readers

yesterday i received the email below. i was very tempted to write back but didn't want my inbox to be filled with advertisements for Russian brides or penis enlargers and so i am writing back here on my blog instead, where it is easier to delete any comments posting links to the above. my responses are tucked into the text in a different font.

Hello Indiaflint.com Team,

Hope you are doing well.
  

well in the sense of health or in the sense of a well dug into the ground that fills with water? these few weeks at home have felt like the latter. though it is dust dry where i live, spending quiet time at home has been deeply replenishing, like an empty well filling with water. so yes, i suppose i must be "doing well". perhaps that can become the new phrase for replenishment. what are you doing today? i'm doing well.

We would like to have a discussion with you regarding the web promotion strategy for your website Indiaflint.com. We wish to work out a proposal to strengthen the online presence of your website, via a strategically planned web promotion campaign. In today’s online era, you should be focusing on the new revolutionary ways of generating traffic (and subsequently, leads).

there's a revolution? i don't think my grandmother would approve. she saw too many of them.

We are curious to know if you are aware that a few issues bugging your website. Sorting out these will help you get the best returns out of your website.

bugs? not bedbugs, i trust? no. i misread. it's the issues that are doing the bugging. see answer to point 3

1. Your website seems to be attracting traffic, but this traffic is almost stagnant and limited, which affects potential sales as you move forward.  

"move forward". such a politburo phrase.

2. Your website doesn’t feature in Google's first search page for some of the major keywords in your niche, which affects visibility.

it doesn't? will the sky fall? must warn the chickens.

3. Your website has been diagnosed with On-Page and On-Site issues, which affects the ranking.

ah yes. issues. Mrs Poo (one of our cats) has issues. at least my website doesn't try to pee in the pantry

4. Your back links profile is not efficient enough to help your search engine visibility.

and to think other advice i've received is "don't have too many links, they take people away from your site". 

5. Your website is currently not being properly promoted online according to Google’s new guidelines (after latest Google Panda & Penguin update), which is affecting your marketing strategy and goals.

there are Pandas and Penguins writing guidelines? Darwin might be pleased.

6. Your presence in social media platform is minimal. This is depriving you of a huge market of prospective referral clients.

that would explain why i have been such a wallflower at the weekly village dance. 
meh. 
this year i will dance regardless, both on and off platforms. and what is a referral client? isn't that what you become when your doctor has been advised that
 the specialist needs to service his Rolls Royce?

7. Your website may penalized by Google.

penalized? will it be put in the naughty box like the boys who don't play nice in ice hockey?

8. Social media profiles are not updated regularly.

holy guacamole Batboy. i only joined Farcebook because way back in 2011 Nancy Zeller said nobody would sign up for my class at Longridge Farm if i didn't have a profile. turns out that none of the people who signed up came via FB, all of them came via my apparently ineffectual website. update, schmupdate.

9. Low number of internal and external quality links present on your website.

dear me.

10. Not updating fresh contents of your website and blogs as per the latest Google guideline (Penguin & Panda).

the wildlife again. 
i would have thought the pandas would be too busy chewing on bamboo or enjoying "pleasant biological enounters"     v  e  r  y     s  l  o  w  l  y   to bother with all this. and how do the penguins manage keyboards with those tiny winglets? they can't even scratch their noses. 

And many more...

We expert in running promotional online marketing campaign for websites. We have a host of ethical services and techniques, which you can utilize to improve your website's performance.

if you were experts at English grammar it might give me more confidence in your other skills.

We would love to hear from you regarding any questions you might have. Please let us know if you wish to move further, so that we can schedule a meeting (tomorrow onwards) at a time convenient to you, without disturbing your busy schedule.

schedule a meeting, eh? i don't like your chances. especially not without disturbing my busy schedule of doing well. or just burying my head in the sand.

Best Regards,

Bxxxxxxe | Sales Executive

James Veitch replied to spam email. it's hilarious.